Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Couch. On fire.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
