I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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