We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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