I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize
