there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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