just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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