i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
