Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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