the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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