I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
