atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
