She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
