she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
