So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
