Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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