my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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