remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
