Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
