someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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