Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
