i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
