if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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