If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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