Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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