Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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