I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
