I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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