I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
