If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
3pm strippers are depressing
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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