he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
