i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
