Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
