Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
