oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
