I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
