After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
