just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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