Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
