I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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