there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
