mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
