If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
