why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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