Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
