Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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