and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
