yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
