is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
