Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
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