she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
