I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
