May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
