The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
